Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
