I heard we made out
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
