Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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