I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
