I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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