You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
