Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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