I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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