Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
