I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She's the barista slut.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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