So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
