can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
