when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize