I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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