I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize