We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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