can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
