I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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