There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
