Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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