this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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