Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize