So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
