Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
