so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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