You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
