so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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