Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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