So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize