I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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