I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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