i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
