Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
