i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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