I feel great
I just peed on a car
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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