I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
