Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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