i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We're too hungover to prance.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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