dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
