Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My liver just had a heart attack.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
