Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize