No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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