how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
