I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
