you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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