Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
