I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
