i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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