I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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