There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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