Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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