Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
