i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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