The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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