It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
