I never want to see another naked old woman again.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
