I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
