yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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