6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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